First week in the NICU

So during the first weekend in the NICU with the babies, it was all very hectic with all the new machines and the sights and sounds of our new surroundings.  I didn't know what was what and I didn't know my role and I felt in the way and I honestly didn't even feel like the babies were mine.  I still wasn't discharged and I still felt like crap. My body was still in recovery, I walked pretty much the same way I had at the end of my pregnancy; my back was all out of whack due to the fact that I was no longer pregnant and my body was trying to re-adjust itself.  I could barely look at my babies because their incubators were so tall and my back hurt so much that I had to sit down every minute, so that sucked.  I didn't understand anything that was going on, all I knew was that Samuel was eating well, Zachary wasn't really tolerating formula (he spit up a lot) and Jacob couldn't even digest even one millilitre of formula.  The doctor on call decided to change all of their milk to a lactose free formula to see if they could tolerate it.  She also suggested I start pumping to see if Jacob would tolerate my milk better... that caused my first break down!  I had already decided that I wasn't going to pump/breastfeed as there was no way that I would be able to do this at home or wanted to so when she said that it might help Jacob digest better, I immediately panicked and broke down thinking that if I didn't give my baby breast milk, he may be sick and I would be the cause of this... so I started pumping, I didn't get much at first but after a while I was producing enough to feed all babies.  I decided to just keep pumping while I was in the NICU because I was producing enough milk and I had time.  Jacob and Zachary were placed under a type of black light to help fight their jaundice.  They had to wear these eye protectors just as if they were at a tanning booth, so that's what I kept telling myself; they were simply getting a tan!  Our little area looked like the electric circuit of the NICU! 

Don't worry Maman, I'm just tanning! 

Monday comes around and the babies' regular doctor comes back and finds out what the doctor on call decided, he didn't understand why the doctor on call had switched them all to the lactose free milk so he put them back on regular formula.  He said it's not about the type of milk, it's about getting the gut to digest as it's so little and it just doesn't know its job yet.  He also said that Jacob's case is the norm, not exception for preemies.  I went home for a night to get rest, it felt nice to be in my bed but finding it hard to be away from hospital, I broke down when we left as I felt like I was a bad mother leaving my babies and I broke down again before going to sleep (after having said good night to Gabe and him thinking that all was well).  All of a sudden I just start picturing my little mens' little lips and I just start crying, uncontrollably... poor Gabe has to comfort me and he doesn't even know what's wrong and what's worse I can't tell him anything because I can't really explain it!  I'm feeling better every day but it's still a struggle. 
  
Weighed myself Tuesday morning... I had lost 30 lbs since last Wednesday (40 if you count the 10lbs gain)!   My belly button is slowly returning to its former inny status.  Little by little I look a little less pregnant every day and I was even starting to feel better about myself!   After the comment from the lady at the hospital, I tried to stay away from the public who wouldn't understand but then I went to pick up a package and a lady says "I have a cousin who's pregnant as well...".  I mean, again, I know I still look pregnant but the comments were unnecessary...   Gab tells me to tell people who comment "triplets bitch!!" à la Breaking Bad Jesse style.  I get to the hospital and am happy to learn: no more lights for the boys!  They've tanned enough and their jaundice is gone!! Way to tan babies!!  That day, I signed up for a program called Family Integrated Care... This is the program I was talking about in my last blog that the Moncton hospital has adopted due to a study started by Mount Sinai hospital (it's not a US hospital at all but a Toronto one).  The study found that the more the parents were involved, the better the babies did and the sooner they went home.  Of course, I'm all for that!!  I knew it was going to be a lot of work because I have to do it times three but I'll have to do it times three for the rest of my life!  Gabe and I were talking and were saying that in a way, we were happy that the babies got a little bit of time in the NICU because we are learning to do sooooo many things!  I've learned so many things and the babies are already all on a three hour schedule which will make the transition to home so much easier!  Having had them come home with us right away would have been a disaster!! I know we would have figured it out, but I'm almost glad I get to learn little by little.  I'm there at 8 am every morning, I change their diapers, take their temperatures, help with the feeding (I'll actually be feeding them once they start taking the bottle) and try to do kangaroo care as much as possible.  Skin to skin contact with the mom (or the dad) is a very important part of preemie growth as it helps regulate their temperature (which they can't do on their own hence the incubators), it helps regulate their heartbeats (the sound of my heart helps their little hearts remember to beat) and it also regulates their breathing, for the same reason as the heart.  There are many other advantages to having skin to skin contact, read up on it, it's pretty interesting!  The rest of my day consists of assisting to doctor rounds, the doctor goes to check every baby and makes sure they're doing what they're meant to be doing and then figures out what comes next for our babies.  He also makes sure that all our questions/concerns are answered and addressed.  I have also been an advocate for my babies and sometimes the nurses don't communicate everything as they can't remember everything for every baby, and I'm there all the time so I'm able to answer questions he may have that the nurses doing rounds with him can't answer.  After rounds, I attend an information session at 11 given by various health professionals.  This week it was about feeding our babies, then an occupational therapist came to talk to us about preemie positioning to help us understand how to position our babies so that their muscles develop the way they would have if they were still in mommy's tummy and then we had a session about preemie medication and why they are given what they are given and what they'll have to continue getting once they come out.  These sessions are nice because I got to meet and communicate with other moms in the same stage as me and also some that were way ahead and were able to tell me that it gets better... 
The NICU is a tough place to be in and I wish I would have known how hard it would be being there..  I wish I would have known how intimidating all the machines and IVs and probs would be.  I wish someone would have warned me that leaving your babies for a night would tear your heart right out of your chest.  I wish I would have known how much you'd feel in the way and feel useless as your babies just lie there in their little incubators.  I wish I would have known how hard it would be to still be a good wife when every ounce of your heart is wrapped up in that little corner of the hospital.  I wish I would have known that one silly little mistake could give your baby an infection they just can't fight so you're always worried that you'll be the one to do just that.  I just wish I would have known how incredibly hard it would be.  

Thursday:
Boys are a week old!!!!! It's crazy how much progress they make in one week!

Jacob reached 3lbs!!! Zachary is also growing at a steady rate, almost at his birth weight and Samuel has surpassed his birth rate and is at 3lbs7oz!!
All three boys got one monitor taken off as their stats have been consistent... hurray for one less wire!!  Samuel has gotten rid of all his extra probes, all he has left is what he will have until release day which is his feeding tube and his heart and lung monitor, so much easier to manipulate him and get to him which is why he's the one getting the most cuddles right now.  Doc says that the other two boys should have the rest of theirs off by the weekend.  This makes me happy as one of their tubes is in their belly button and if that gets mistakenly pulled out it could be very bad.  I am now feeling quite confident about taking their temp (must do at every 3 hours as this will help us determine if they can hold their own body temp and if they can, they could be moved to a cot bed and no more incubators!! Hurray!!), I'm becoming a pro at changing their diapers around 4 - 5 different wires and making the preemie diaper even smaller to accommodate their little chicken wing limbs... I am also learning how to weigh them and soon will learn how to bathe them!! Within a week, I should be doing most of the non medical stuff and this will help the nursing staff quite a bit.  They are learning to suckle on their pacifiers so this means we will soon be introducing bottles and see if their brains have developed the art of sucking, swallowing and breathing at the same time... Right now this task is complicated as they can do one or two of those things at the same time but that's it so we need to make sure they have their soother in when they are being tube fed as this will make them realize they can still suck and breathe as they are swallowing.

Friday and weekend....
SO many milestones!!!!  The boys are all off their extra IVs as they are tolerating their maximum feeds and they have all surpassed their birth weight!  I gave Zachary his first bath...

He didn't even cry... he loved it!!! Unlike his brother Sam who cried almost the whole time... lol

I know it looks like I'm choking him but I'm really not! 

I just loved getting my hair washed mamma!!!

Jacob will be getting his first real bath on Monday.  I am so much more involved now and that means that my days as quite crazy busy, I get out for a quick lunch and that's about it until 7 when I get kicked out... haha.  Other milestones... I got to hold them all together and so did Daddy, they are wearing onesies which means they are able to control their own body temperature and once they all reach about 4 lbs, they will be moved to "big boy beds" which are the cots that full term babies sleep in.  I think by Wednesday this might happen so more milestones coming next week!!!  As little as they are, let me tell you how blessed we've been... being in the NICU, I see a lot of heartaches and tears.  Some babies who are born way before they're due to and pass away and some who are born exactly when they are due to and have so many complications... We had THREE babies, born 9 weeks premature and they are amazing... yes, very little but oh so resilient and healthy!  Sometimes I wonder when the shoe will drop and that scares me but there is nothing that indicates that there will be a shoe dropping of any kind. All good things are happening... The program I'm on is very adamant about mothers getting their rest and their "me" time so once I start being able to drive again I will be coming home at nights and relaxing and taking care of me as much as possible and the babies thriving as well as they are, it will make it easier for me to do just that.  Right now, I'm back with them at 8:15pm until about 10, then I go to sleep for about 4 hours and come see them again to pump.  It's always right around another feeding time, so I always end up helping out and stay for about an hour and then go back to sleep for about another 4 hours and the cycle begins again.  Tonight I was able to tear myself away after 3 o'clock to go to my mom's house for supper.  I felt sick leaving them, but there was no breakdown because now when I think about their little lips, it makes me smile, not cry.  This was a test to see if I'd be able to go home every night... I'm even considering going to Gabe's Christmas staff supper next Saturday...  Maybe I'll be able to hold it together until the waiter mentions baby back ribs or baby carrots or anything baby related... and what to wear??? man oh man...  We will see, but you can just imagine having to leave your babies... All I know is that they have the best babysitters around, the nurses are honestly the best!!!  I just have to keep telling myself that if mommy isn't in a healthy place physically and emotionally then the babies lose out... right?  Anyways, sorry this was so long winded!!!  Here's a few pics of our wonderful little family!!!