All the trivial events in my little life seemed insignificant this week as I thought of the children who lost their fathers this week due to the twisted mind of a sick individual. As someone who lost her father at a young age, I know what these kids are going through; it's indescribable pain and the feeling of "unjustness" is so overwhelming that they will feel lost for quite a long time. As a mother, I also feel for the mothers who lost their partner. I couldn't imagine trying to go through this parenting thing on my own.
As is my whole city, I am so grateful for the men and women of the RCMP who put their lives at risk every day to protect our normally peaceful city. I'm sure the officers who responded to the call on Wednesday evening never thought for a second that their lives were in danger, in MONCTON! Sadly, they were in danger, and three of them unfairly lost their lives. A friend of mine wrote a letter to the guy who was terrorizing our city while she was in lockdown and she captured beautifully and perfectly the emotions going through, I'm sure, the whole city. I wanted to share with you, with her permission, her moving words.
An open letter to Justin Bourque:
First of all, I believe that you are angry, and you are hurting. Anyone who does something like this must be deeply damaged, and that makes me sad for you and your family. I realize there is no way you will ever have the chance to read this, but I don’t know what else to do. You see, I am angry, and I am hurting, too. I am on lockdown in my house and glued to the tv – and I am watching the streets of my neighbourhood being broadcasted live.
These are the same streets that I travel every day. I take them to go to work; I take them to run last minute errands at the drugstore. This is more than hitting close to home - this IS my home. I feel safe when I walk these streets with my baby boy strapped in his stroller, and safe on them when I run on them alone. Or at least I felt safe, until last night. I actually stepped out my front door for a run in the sunshine last night at about 7:30, minutes after it is reported that the first calls regarding your presence in the woods at Hildegarde were made. For some reason, I took a different path, and thereby avoided a meeting with you, because the route I often take would have put me on a direct collision course with you and the destruction you were about to cause. I had a great run. I felt good. And then, just as I was nearing the end of my run and closing in on my street, I saw a police SUV speeding by me, lights flashing, sirens screaming. I saw a car, pulled over. The driver was standing by his open door, his hands holding his head as if he didn’t know what to do and needed to figure things out. I saw people running from a few directions.
I still didn’t realize what was happening until a man, driving by, pulled over, motioned me over to his car, and told me, “You probably shouldn’t go this way. There is a man, with a rifle strapped to his back, on the loose. He is shooting at police.” All I could say was “Thank you,” and I turned around. I wasn’t three minutes in the opposite direction when another car, this time with a woman, a worried young boy, and a dog in the backseat stopped me again and said “You probably shouldn’t go this way…. There is a man, shooting at police, and he is at large. You need to go home.” I was frozen. “I’m trying to go home… but now I don’t know how to get there.” She must have thought I was nuts. I ended up calling a friend who lives in an apartment nearby. I was so panicked that the first time I called, my headphones were still in my phone from listening to music while on my run and she thought I had dialed her by mistake. The second time I called, I said “I’m coming up to your building. Please let me in. There’s a man with a gun and I can’t get home.” I was running as I was talking. I’m sure I sounded hysterical. I stayed there for two hours, until reports indicated that you had moved to a different area of the city, and I got a drive home.
When I got home, I kissed my husband, I kissed my baby boy, I took a bath, and I started watching the news. I couldn’t sleep – all I could hear was the searching helicopter out my back window. I was in shock. I was scared. I was sad.
I’m still all of those things. But now – now I’m also angry.
I am angry that you have ruined lives. I’m angry that you shot, and killed, three RCMP officers,as well as injured two others, who were trying to protect the rest of us from your actions. I’m angry thinking about the families of those officers and the grief they must be feeling.
I am angry about the disregard you have shown to your own family – after all, it is your poor family who will have to pick up the pieces you leave behind.
I am angry that you were so failed by something in your life, or at least felt that you were, that you thought this plan to be worth undertaking. I am only making an assumption, but something, somewhere, must have made you feel so terrible, so worthless, that this plan became logical in your mind.
I am angry that I am at home this morning, still scared, with my blinds closed, listening to the search choppers overhead.
But I am most angry that you have attempted to take the safety of my home from me.
I have seen the photos of the police vehicles, windows shot out and blood on the ground, set on the street that I walk on to take my beautiful nine month old son to the park.
I have seen the streets of my neighbourhood, blockaded, with a heavy police and tactical team presence, broadcasted on national TV.
I am angry, much like you. However, unlike you, my anger will not lead to darkness.
In fact, in my anger, I can feel the flickering flame of hope. Though you have hurt many through your actions, though you have caused terror, when you are caught, I will walk on these streets again and I will feel safe. I will take my baby boy to the park. I will run, proudly and strongly, on the trails. You cannot take the safety of my streets and my home from me. The people who stopped on the side of the road to make sure I knew what was happening and that I needed to get home demonstrated that there is concern for others in this world.
My friend’s fiancé, who drove me home and made sure I walked safely to my door, showed me that there is kindness in this world.
Kissing my sleeping son illustrated there is innocence in the world.
The people all over the world who are thinking of and praying for the families of those who were killed or injured, the people of Moncton, and yes, you and your family, reveal the compassion present in the world.
You have caused terror. You have caused anger. You have caused sorrow. You have caused darkness in my city and in my neighbourhood. But you will not cause me to stop feeling safe at home, and you will certainly not stop me from feeling concern, or kindness, or innocence, or compassion. It is as Martin Luther King, Jr. stated:
“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”
And so, I will continue to sit in my house, with the blinds closed and the choppers circling, and wait. The darkness you have caused is temporary. It is only a matter of time until I will be able to open the blinds and let the light in again.
As scared as I was for those 30 hours, I knew they were going to get him and they did. My city immediately came together and showed how strong we are.
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| A great design by an RCMP's husband while he was in lockdown |
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| Our city coming together |
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| The many candles, gifts and flowers left on the front steps of Moncton's RCMP offices. |
However insignificant the events of my life are, I refuse to let him steal one more minute of my days and I will continue on living as I have; loving my kids, my husband, my family, my friend and I will continue sharing that love with you all. Thanks to all those of you who have been with me from the start!
My week, aside from the craziness that was Wednesday night through Friday, was pretty low key. We did have a free kid day on Saturday! I brought the kids to my mother's where my sister was waiting to help! I have to say Gabe and I are blessed with amazing families who supports us to no end. We were able to accomplish chores that had been on the back burner for so long our so called guest room was starting to make us look like hoarders! We were also able to go to the multiples consignment sale. We didn't get many things because we don't need much. We also didn't really know what kind of toys to buy because since we are first time parents, we don't know when the kids are going to be ready for what toys. There is another sale in September so we may be buying more then! I did get cute little rompers, an awesome bouncy exercauser, some bowls and cups and a few teething toys. We met a Sussex mom of 2 year old identical boy triplets. It was really sweet seeing them interact with one another! When I told her that I was excited for that stage, she looked at me and stated "No you're not!" haha! She basically said that you think you're excited for the next stage but there's always something that's challenging at every stage. They were so funny, but I guess I may not find it funny if they were my own kids. They were all seated in this little wagon (which we will have to go to the States to get...booo!!!) eating a bagel but they kept eating each other's bagel as though the other's bagel was better than their own. One bent over to pick up something and when he looked up, his brother's bagel was in his face so he just took a bite! I know she said that it's not a stage I should look forward to but I can't wait to see them interact with each other as now they are just starting to notice that one another exists!
When we cleaned out our "hoarding room", I once again realized how lucky we have been to have the friends we have. We have clothes for the boys until they are 3 years old! Of course, I always like to buy a few of my own things because why not but we really don't NEED any clothes, it's amazing! We were also able to sort through all the clothes the boys have grown out of and we have a big bag for Arthur (my step-nephew) and three huge bins of clothes that we will either be able to give or sell at the next sale.
The boys have been eating lots of different things this week. I introduced meat and veggies and they are sure liking it (unless they are tired, then it's a cry fest in the bumbos). Jacob has become my fiercest eater, he will pounce on the spoon as soon as it comes near his mouth. When he sees me feeding one of his brothers, he watches attentively (almost looks like he's salivating) and even whimpers because I obviously skipped him! Their favorite so far seems to be sweet potatoes, of course, sweet stuff always wins right? I'll be starting the green veggies this week, we'll see how that goes!!
I don't know if it's the food, teething or the new hazelnut/amber teething necklaces we've got on the boys but they haven't been my star sleepers they've always been. Jacob has been waking up, more often than not, at around 4 or 4:30 in the morning and refuses to go back to sleep!! Last night, I had to rock Samuel for almost 45 minutes before he settled down to sleep (I tried to put him down once and he was not having it!), Zachary woke up at midnight (I think he just wanted to know I was there?) and Jacob woke up at 2am, at 4am and again at 4:40am and Gabe brought him in the living room so he wouldn't wake up his brothers and tried to get him to sleep again. They both got a little bit. When he wakes up at four ready for the day, I can't leave him in his room to cry it out because it's so close to morning, he'll wake up his brothers, so I take him in the living room and put him on me or the swing and kind of force him back to sleep while I try to shut my eyes myself. No way am I ready to start my day at 4!! Especially since Samuel has decided that 30-45 minutes was a long enough nap in the morning. It really doesn't give me time to take a nap between cleaning up and showering, etc. Gabe has been home since Thursday so having him go back to work tomorrow sucks because it's just me again tonight so I really hope they sleep! This girl is going to bed early tonight! It doesn't help that "Orange is the New Black" Season 2 is out on Netflix and I'm obsessed! Going to bed at 11 and waking up every two hours through the night isn't amazing!
Here is my week through pictures:
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| How bored does he look? haha |
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This is what happens when you talk to the nurse and not pay attention to your child!
That's his own spit-up folks that he apparently loves to rub his face in! |
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| Samuel is starting to sit up (with mommy's help) and stay for a few seconds! |
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| Starting to fall over mom!! |
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| The boys playing peek-a-boo with daddy! |
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| Quickly becoming one of their favorite games! |
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| I don't often dress them alike but I had three of these cute rompers so I decided why not? They looked pretty cute until one of the three ruined it by spitting up all over himself! I guess he wanted to be an individual. |
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| I took this picture to show all of you how fat Samuel's hands/wrists/arms are getting! I love his chubby little arms! I'm even finding lint in his wrist fat rolls! haha |
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| Jacob enjoying Daddy's music while Sam fell asleep to it! |
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| Jacob will roll over and put his mouth on anything in his way! |
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| We got a beach/park/backyard sun canopy. I set it up tonight so I wouldn't look like a moron when I did it in public. Gabe asked me if I thought it was too big and I said "we have three kids!" |
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| Enjoying the (finally) nice weather while daddy mows the lawn and mommy rocks on her new swing :) |
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| Mr. Serious! |
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| Enjoying the swing in the shade! |
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| LOVE this pic!!! My sweet boys... |
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| My hoarding room |
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| Most of the stuff we took out of the guest bedroom |
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| After!! My handy hubby did a great job! He will add white melamine to the sides and will also add doors. |
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| He cut more than he needed to! Thankfully he did this on his last cut! |
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| The start of my stash of frozen veggies for the boys. |
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| The consignment sale. SO MANY PEOPLE!!! Thankfully we got to shop earlier than the general public because we are part of Moncton Multiples. I'll shop even earlier from now on because I'm going to start volunteering. If you look back at the last sale, I went in a wheelchair! haha |
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| My friend Alicia, who is expecting twin girls, got to shop early as she volunteered and she took advantage! She (and my other friend Mel) has so much stuff on their combined carts that people walked by thinking it was another sale table! Good for them though eh? |
I added a new video of the boys' first time using straws on our youtube channel if any of you are interested :)
This week I will leave you with this...
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| Rest in Peace... and may your children always remember you as the heroes you were |
