2 hours, 5 hours, sleep, wake, 8 hours, sleep, wake, 13 hours, 15 hours, why is the time going by so slow... 20 hours...only 4 more hours until I can finally meet them... 22 hours... what? You're letting me go early, oh thank God! Get me there now, I need to lay eyes on my boys, my precious tiny little miracles... will this corridor ever end? Finally, I'm in! What? Wash my hands? Of course! 2 minutes?? That's a long time, my boys are waiting for me! Wash wash wash, scrub scrub scrub, 1 minute, wash wash wash ok all done. Where are they? All the way at the end? Why so far? I am oblivious to everything else that is around me and finally I see them... who's who? Who do I go see first? I can't even get up off my chair I hurt so much, can you bring him down to me? That's all? Oh ok, I'll try to get up... Oh hello Zachary... you're so small...TOO small!! Why did I do this to you? Why did I fail you? I need to see the other one, roll me over now please. Hi Sam...mom's here kiddo... I don't understand all these wires coming out of you, do you need so many? Are you ok my love? Is he ok? Is Zachary? Where's Jacob? Oh my... is it possible that a baby that small can be ok? I love you little man, I'm so so so sorry... I don't know where to go, who to stay with, who needs me more, roll me back to Zachary please. What's with all those beeps? What's that alarm? Why is there a nurse running over to Jacob? Is he ok?? Please someone talk to me!
Those were the first 10 minutes I spent with my boys and for the first week, I never had any idea what was going on in the NICU, I felt so lost and in the way, it was awful. I never had to experience the first chest to chest contact when they were born as they were whisked away right away, I didn't even see them until those 22 hours later and that was through the thick plastic incubator. I'd open the little doors, lay my hands gently on them as rubbing their super fragile skin would apparently hurt them, I'd close the little doors, make sure my hands were sanitized as I slowly made my way to the next baby and do the same thing. I'd do this for hours on end, talk to them, sing to them, try to make a connection with my babies without being able to rock them to sleep on me as they needed to stay in their little warm house. I'd be able to take them out and do kangaroo care but I didn't get to hold all three until about two weeks after they had been there. I started feeling more in control and less in the way once I signed up for the care by parent program. I was then able to participate in the daily non-medical tasks such as weighing them, taking their temperature, changing their diaper and giving them baths. That was the first time I actually felt like their mother and not just some stranger looking at tiny babies. That month was one of the hardest periods of my life and one I will never forget. When I close my eyes, even a year later, I can take myself back to my little NICU corner and I can hear the constant various beeps, I can still smell that distinct NICU smell, I can still feel that overwhelming sense of hopelessness and helplessness. With all that, I was one of the lucky ones in that wing. My babies may have been super tiny, they may have not been able to regulate their body temperature, they may not have been able to eat any other way than by a tube that ran from their tiny nose, through their tiny bodies into their tiny stomach but their hearts were functioning perfectly, they pooped and peed on a regular basis, they gained weight daily and they could breathe on their own. My babies were what we called growers and feeders. They were in the NICU for a month so that they could learn to do all the things they didn't have a chance to learn in my belly but other than that, they were perfect. Despite all my worries and fears, my babies were amazing little fighters who didn't let the earliness of their arrival stop them in any way. Except for losing weight at the beginning, they never regressed once during their stay. Had I known then what I now know about premature babies, I would have been so proud of my little men instead of being in constant fear. In Canada, 1 in 12 babies are born premature and many of these tiny beings don't make it or they come out with many complications. The Moncton NICU has the BEST nurses and the BEST high-risk neonatologists so for those of us who went through there, we were lucky to be surrounded by the best. This is not always the case. I was lucky to be able to take part of my babies' care as this wasn't always the case. My cousin who had twins at the Moncton NICU not a year before my boys was always kicked out during doctor rounds and was never able to take care of her own children. At the end of my NICU stay, I was the one giving all the stats to the doctors and I was a primary decision maker in their well being, as I should be as their mom. There are many things I wish I would have known before my NICU journey such as what all the wires meant, what all those beeps were about and why am I crying all the time?? Tomorrow is World Prematurity Day and I will wear purple and attend a small ceremony at town hall to try and raise awareness so that if it happens to other people, they won't be blindsided. I am also hoping to begin visiting the NICU and parents just to listen and assure them that what they're feeling is completely natural and they're not alone. As awful as my NICU experience was, it was also life changing. The fact that I could snuggle all three of my babies on my chest and know that my heartbeat and my breathing was helping them thrive was an amazing feeling. I may not have had those first loving moments with my babies, but I learned so much about the care of them that by the time I came home, most of my baby questions had been answered by the best of the best. I do not regret my NICU journey, I cherish it. Among the fear and the tears there was beauty and wonder and memories created.
Here are some pics of the week to lighten the mood :)
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| The boys looking at the first snowfall of the year |
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| Hanging out at the Sports Dome for the Moncton Multiples Event |
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| Taking a sleigh ride with Grampy |
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| Not sure we all fit! |
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| We make it work |
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| Well that's fun!! |
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| The boys are helping me with my laundry |
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Hi mommy
Hi Sam |
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| After morning bottles.... for some reason Jacob just laid there... |
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| ...and laid there... |
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| why is he not moving mom? |
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| let me check his mouth... oh Zachary... |
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| Yes, very nice skinny leg Jacob |
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| My Christmas display for the year, this way the boys can't get to it! |
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| Watch your fingers Sam! |
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| We went to an activity at school and I forgot to take his name tag off |
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| Sam is always trying to steal whatever is on my couch tray |
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| Jacob's new activity is emptying all my cubes where I keep all their stuff... thanks bud |
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| Zachary loves Jacob's new activity as he can grab receiving blankets and suck his thumb |
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| We tried feeding them at the table... still a little too short |
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| Those hats were apparently super funny... check out this video: (Laughing at hats) |
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| First snowfall |
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| Who farted? Yeah... that was me... HAHAHA |
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| Hanging out with cousin Arthur by the TV fireplace |
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| Aunt Erin trying to read a French book to Samuel |
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| Same and Grampy having fun with a Rudolph nose |
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| What Grampy forgot was that elastics stretch and hurt when they're let go of |
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| Here comes a big one! |
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| Mamie playing Rudolph! |
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| Gabrielle doesn't look like she's having much fun with Jacob but she truly was |
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| Uncle Jeff acting a fool |
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| Too much excitement for one night for Grampy |
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| The whole family together. We had our "fake" Christmas this weekend as my mom and step-dad are leaving for Florida in about a week and we always celebrate with a gift exchange and family get together before they go. It gets us in the Holiday mood. LOVE THESE PEOPLE SO MUCH!!!!! xox |
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| Jacob... you're suppose to go IN the tunnel, not over it! |
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| Humm... Why is Daddy in there? |
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| I think the babies are supposed to be in there Gab... |
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We also had a mini family birthday celebration since we were all together. The boys loved the cake! Zachary didn't like the hat so much... He also woke up at like 9pm with what we think were cramps... poor little dude! That's what too much sugar will do to you!!
I can't believe they turn ONE on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eeeek!! Thanks to those of you who have been sticking with us since the beginning!
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