Tripletville Adventures : So we had preemies...

I went to a conference on Friday to represent the Moncton Preemie Power group. This conference was put on by the Canadian Premature Baby Foundation and it was to talk about how to involve parents in the care of the preemies that are held in the NICU and we also wanted to see how we could help the family once they were back home. I was "lucky" enough in my situation that my babies were pretty much guaranteed a NICU stay so I already knew ahead of time and I was somewhat prepared for that to happen. I don't think that most people who are pregnant with a singleton ever think of the possibility of pre-term labour nor do they envision a Neonatal Intensive Care stay. The fact that I knew may have prepared me for the knowledge that they may end up in there but it did not prepare me one tiny bit about the actuality of it. The NICU is a very scary place and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. Yes, my babies were, for the most part, just what we NICU vets like to refer to as growers and feeders but they still went through tremendous steps to get there. They were rushed away from the operation room, two of them had to be put on oxygen for a little while, they had wires coming out of their feet, their wrists, their bellybutton, their nose, their mouth... How many term babies go through that? I didn't get to hold by babies right after their births, I wasn't even SHOWN my babies as they were taken out of my failing body. I didn't get to see my babies for 22 hours after they were born, I had to name them from a picture. I didn't get to hold by babies for almost a week after their birth. I don't have that amazing exhausted mom clutching her newborn close to her chest picture. The first pictures of my babies are ones of chambers and tubes and incubators and tiny tiny tiny limbs. The first time I met my babies I was wheeled in the NICU and rolled to each of my boys' incubators one at a time, careful to fully sanitize my hands in between each of them so I wouldn't unknowingly infect them with a disease they couldn't fight because they were still meant to have TWO WHOLE MONTHS in my belly! Do you know how much babies grow in ONE DAY in the womb? I learned at the conference that my boys didn't even have half of their antibodies built up when they were born. Most of my friends and family were really understanding when I asked them to stay away from us for a while because I knew how frail they were. Still today, at almost two years of age, I had to give Sam and Jacob some puffers because a common cold goes directly to their little lungs. The day I met them is a day that will forever be ingrained in my memory. I was in such pain that I could hardly raise my arms high enough to put through the incubator arm holes. I was only able to put my hand on each of their little body for a little while. I have a video of my first meeting and I still can't get through it all because the memory of it is still too painful. You know the joy you're all told when you grow up of seeing your babies for the first time? I won't lie, there was some joy, but mostly I was feeling so so sad, really scared and really angry. I cried night after night while separated from them. I didn't even really feel like a mother. I went in to see them everyday and all I could do was sit there and watch other people take care of them for about a week because I couldn't really stand up for longer than 2 minutes. I often joke that I'd like another baby.... people often tell me that I'm crazy. What I truly long for is a normal pregnancy, a normal delivery where I can bond with my baby the moment he/she comes out of me and a normal 1-2 day hospital stay where my baby is mine from day 1 and I can take him/her home when I go. Those are all things that I'll never get to experience. You may tell me that all is good now and shouldn't I be glad that my babies are home, healthy and amazing little boys? Of course I'm glad of all that, but it doesn't take away from the trauma that brought them into this world. I don't often get to tell my story because I feel like either people don't want to hear it, or they won't get it, or people don't care or people think that I should just get over it. I promise you that I will never get over it. While at the conference I got to hear a few stories from other mothers of preemies and I am really glad that ours was a story of success because some of the ones I heard from were very difficult to hear. I know that I'm a cryer but breaking down almost every time I saw a picture of a baby looking exactly like my boys started out tells me that I haven't really gotten over it. Maybe it's because I don't talk about how truly traumatizing our experience was. Maybe I should have been encouraged to... talk about it I mean. I acted so put together while there but that was just my Type A personality taking over. I think the true me was in a daze hiding underneath it all always waiting for the shoe to drop. I don't think that feeling has ever truly left me. I know all moms worry about something happening to their babies, don't get me wrong. I just think that I will never live down how their life started. I know they'll be two soon and therefore officially off their preemie status but what about down the road? Some of the moms this weekend were talking about the fact that the "preemie-ness" of their children didn't show up again until school started and some premature related problems started surfacing. I know the boys seem like they are amazing little humans but we can never forget that they were born at only 32 weeks. I certainly won't.

This is why I decided to become a parent volunteer at the NICU to try and offer my ear to other moms (or dads) going through these types of feelings and experiences. I believe being able to talk about the fear, the anxiety and overwhelming feelings of hopelessness to someone who's been there is one of the things that could potentially help someone get through their NICU stay. I also believe that these families not only need help while they're in the NICU but also after they're out. I was lucky enough to have a very supportive husband and a mom who was amazingly kind enough to move in with me after the boys came home (on top of being with my almost every single day at the NICU). I am also lucky to have the support of my sister and my incredible in laws. We are also lucky here in New Brunswick to be supported by public health nurses. What about the moms who may be leaving their place of comfort (because that's what NICU becomes) completely alone? What about those moms who just feel so alone and scared while they're back home? I'd like to see what I can do about supporting those families too. Whether it be a food train or just a drop by for a coffee chat and baby watching while mom sleeps for a few hours. Once the boys are older I'll be able to help more but I'm sure that there are things I can do now. Thankfully, I learned so much at the CPBF conference that I can't wait to share with the Moncton Preemie Power group and our awesome leader Jenna to see what we can do to help while the families are preparing to enter the NICU (high risk pregnancies), while they're in the NICU and after they leave.

So we decided to turn their car seats around this weekend. The boys are just a month shy of being two years old (TWO!!!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?) so I think we did good for how long we held off turning them around. We wanted to switch it all around before the snow came. I really think the boys were ready but I'm not quite sure I am. Just like everything else being a mom of a preemie leaves you with is a feeling that your child is just way too little for everything. I hate when the boys aren't eating because I think they're not going to grow. I hate that they still only fit into 12 month waist because I think they're not growing enough. I hate that they are still in the low 30th percentile of their weight every time we get them weighed. I think they'll be fine... most of my friends turn their babies around the moment their babies turn one. I'm sure their babies are well over the 22 lbs limit though... I just have to realize that they're growing and although they'll always be preemies, I can't keep them in a cocoon forever. It's not often that I let my husband make the decisions in regards to the boys but in this case, I'll let him convince me that it's ok because otherwise the boys will be rear facing until the age of 5.

Alright... I'll tell you the rest through the tiny amounts of pictures I have... xox

My Toronto Selfie before heading out to dinner. LOVING MY YOUNIQUE MAKEUP!!!!!!!

Hello TORONTO!!!!!!!!!!!

Chandelier in the entrance of the restaurant

The wonderful wine that accompanied a great diner...

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How cute is this? This artist took pictures of preemies and photoshopped them to create an image of what they could be when they grew up. Click on the following link for more adorableness --> From NICU to the Moon